The rain's lament

I was so f***king sure I'm going to get a PhD... until now.

After hearing Ayda's account on how a post-graduate life is, and how a senior from SPS got into Cambridge with a full scholarship... I really wonder, do I have what it takes to be one?

What do you do, when you suddenly lost your courage to carry on, just like how a streetlamp goes *poof* when the power tripped? Walking back to my room from science, the drizzle made me even more confused. And in my bewilderment, I felt, as if, I'm Harry Potter, walking into the forbidden forest.

Ok, many of you might be laughing by now, but for me, I see so much of my own life in the story, so much so that it has become a place for me to look for comfort in times of difficulties.

When the truth dawned uponHarry, that he had to let Lord Voldermort kill him in order to destroy the Dark Lord, Harry had to make a choice. Either he run away or surrender himself to the Dark Lord's wrath. Like all heroes in a story, Harry chose the latter, and began his solitary march towards to forbidden forest, where he would meet his own end.

Well, it was not the plot that captured me. It was how Rowling brought us into the struggle within Harry that had made that single moment worth reflecting. Now, as the lamp within me just went *poof*, I'm sitting alone in my room, feeling nothing but disconcerted.

For as much as I would like to believe, I am seriously not an exceptionally gifted person. I'm no Dean's lister, no outstanding undergraduate researcher, no first class honour holder. I'm just as plain as the rainwater accumulating in pools on the street right now. I have extraordinary dreams, I really do. I want to be the person who saves Malaysian rainforest. I want to work with Orangutan in Sepilok. I want to go to Africa. But all these wonderful dreams have to start with the step in front of me. This step, however, is unfortunately far from the destination.

There is one big disconnection between what one wants to do and what has to be done now. Just as Harry's stride, although he knew what his destination was and longed so much to accomplish it, it didn't make every step that he had to take any easier. All the while he was waiting for someone to jump out and tell him that he didn't need to do it.

My story was not as grievious as Harry's. Not at all. Mine was supposed to be a story about struggles and acheivements, about tears and laughters, about friendships along the way. It was supposed to be a story with a victorious finale. A happy ending.

I can see it. But walking towards it, is extremely... hard.

Especially when you look through your own skin and realize that you are not that special after all.

A week well spent

Truly a week well spent. Thursday I went for a gathering for our dear uncle iceberg who came back from Spain. 13 of us ate our hearts out in Sakae Sushi buffet. It was just like our hall times once again. To be honest I still felt a slight gap between me and this bunch of old friends. Maybe it was because I've been away for a year. Even then, I really love meeting up with these people who've walked me through most of my university life. These friends are the rare few that I always feel I can chat my heart out with them. Hope that in time I can make up for the lapse. .Everyone looked contented after the sumptuous meal

San Min, Wendy, me and Ah Woo. The other 5 guys sitting at the table behind us. =)

Then on Saturday, I went to meet Carolyn Chi Chi for lunch in Citylink, followed by some 'afternoon stroll' (for exercise, heh) in Suntec. =) I brought her the 'pong piah' from Penang, and she brought me two pairs of her shoes, one stain remover to fix my sun dress, and a nice embroidered white shirt. She always manage to surprise me by being super attentive to details -> she remembered that my sun dress needs fixing even though I just mentioned to her once! Thanks a lot Chi Chi, you're the best! ;)

After that GC and I went to WestMall and IMM to shop for the sandals that he needed badly (cuz he has a blister from wearing the previous one). He lit up the whole evening with glitters of magic by simply buying me a big fat yellow sunflower! It is the only flower that can make me smile whenever, wherever and however. Hehe, I felt blissfully happy holding the huge stalk of sunshine, walking through throngs of weekend shoppers in our hunt for the sandals. I hope he finds the thing I quietly slipped into his bag. =P

Me and my stalk of sunshine

It is always in times of void and loneliness, that we learn that happiness comes from nowhere but within. In the land of plenty, most people feel as though they don't have enough. I felt so too. It was only through the pain of loss that I realized how rich and poor I am. Rich because there are many people who love me, but poor because I don't know how to love others properly. Sometimes I'll get a feeling of sudden lightning strike and I'll want so much to burst out and give my love ones a big hug. Today is one of those times.

I just hope that everyone knows how much he/she has made me a happy person.

My 'BaPo Gang' from high school, meeting up over mooncake festival.

Me, my dearest aunt, Big uncle, and his children. The girl in red shirt, Apple, is my favourite cousin. Picture taken just before I left for the bus back to Singapore after being home for mooncake festival.